Beauty and the Beast
by Soon to be world renown Gracie
Summary: My own rendention of Beauty and the Beast. Rated for a few cuss words and sexual conentations. Even includes my own version of 'Be Our Guest! R&R! All reviewers please read ch 2
1. Default Chapter

My own, slightly odd rendention of Beauty and the Beast that I did for my Mythology class. I got a 100!! Tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own Beauty and the Beast...Disney does.

Oh, and sense doesn't recoginse those little star thingys, the '8's indicate changes in scene or place, you get the idea...

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Once upon a midnight dreary, it was dark...and dreary...and late...so everyone in the small town was asleep...except for Stu. Stu was a short, squat man, the kind who would be perfect in a nice broth. Stu was running-or, at least, what he considered running-even a blind man could keep up-while skipping. Stu "ran" through the forest, breathing hard. He soon fell, however, and laid there thinking, "if I don't move, he won't see me." This only works on a T-Rex. So Stu was soon captured and hauled back to a giant castle on the French Mountainside.

Belle Smitherjonesersomething woke up early and decided to go to the library. She danced up and down the street, happily singing. Nearby, infants screamed, horses neighed, dogs yelped, eyeglass makers were showered with glass, and mothers pulled their children back inside by their pony-tails. One brave soul attempted to murder her, but he was rendered unconscious by her hideous voice before he got ten feet from her.

She entered the library, humming, and found what she was looking for: Mr. Cow's ABC Book. She squealed with delight and rushed to check it out. The librarian, however, was dead. She shrugged her shoulders, flipped her hair, and bounced out of the library.

She returned home to find a ransom note pinned to her door with her father's cloak pin. It read: "Woman. If you ever want to see your father again, you'll come up to 666 Mountain Ln. at six pm. Don't be late or else. I honestly have no threat at the moment but, you'd better be there anyway."

She gasped in horror and dropped the note. "Crap!" she exclaimed, "What was that address!?"

She picked the note up from the mud and found the address. Then, she saddled up her favorite horse and rode up the mountain road until arriving at a huge, gothic style castle. She rang the bell and stood before the massive doors quietly. One of them opened suddenly and she rushed in out of the cold. "Mademoiselle, welcome! Let me show you to your room!" a voice called to her.

She looked around frantically and only saw a candlestick. She grabbed it and swung it wildly about. "AHHH!!!" something screamed.

"Who's there?"

"THE CANDLESTICK! THE CANDLESTICK! PUT DOWN THE CANDLESTICK!" the voice yelled frantically. She obeyed, fearfully. The candlestick turned to look at her, "Now, mademoiselle. Let me show you to your room."

He turned and hopped up massive stairs and hopped up them one-by-one. Belle followed, awed by the massive size of the castle and the fact that a candlestick was not only talking to her, but also leading her to a room of some sort. Suddenly, an English voice called out, "Lumiere! Lumiere! What do you think you're doing!? Showing this girl around, what do you think the master will say?"

Lumiere turned from his place on the steps to look at a clock that had run up after him. "Cogsworth, I don't think it matters what the master says, do you?" "Yes, he'll kill us! He doesn't like visitors!"

"He invited me!" Belle said, angrily. "Oh," the small clock said, dumbly. "Well...ahem...Later, ma chere." And with that, he walked away.

"Mademoiselle, you are to join master for dinner at eight o'clock sharp. Don't ask Cogsworth to tell you the time, he's always wrong." "Oh. Alright. But what if I don't want to go to dinner?"

"You're screwed. You must come anyway."

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"Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?" The ditzy beauty walked into the dining hall.

"Hello, mademoiselle! How nice of you to join us. Come, come. Sit here." Lumiere waited for her to be seated, "Now, may I present, your dinner." He bowed and moved aside so that the dinner could come out and sit on the table. He began to sing as music came from no where discernable and the dinner began dance a choreographed dance to the beat. "Eat...a...breast! Eat a breast! Made of chicken-only the best. And we killed many a hog, so you don't have to starve. Eat a breast. Eat a breast. Chicken or turkey it's not a test. Soup de jour, hot hor d'oeuvres. Why, we only live to serve. Try the grey stuff, it's your father, oops did that slip, such a bother! We can sing, we can dance, and after all, miss, this is France-watch me and my gay lover get it onnnn. Go on and hide your eyes, you'll get a big surprise, when you eat a breast, eat a breast, eat a breast! Beef ragout Cheese souffle Pie and pudding "en flambe". We've prepared with sudden care just in case I set the table into flaaaaames. You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared. No one's gloomy or complaining while the flatware's entertaining. We tell jokes, I do tricks, and out of my hat, you'll get a kick. And it's all in perfect taste, 'cept for the clooooock. Go on and lift your glass and don't look at my ass! And eat a breast! If you're stressed, it's fine dining, I suggest. Eat a breast, eat a breast, eat a breast! Why haven't you touched your boooooar? I've never seen such a killin', and that Cogsworth, he's a villain! Try the bread, try the soup. Watch the croutons, they're a hoot. It's a treat for any diner, don't believe me, go to China. Singing pork, dancing veal, what a nauseating meal. How could anyone be gloomy or depreeeeessed? We'll make you shout 'encore' and send us out for boar, eat a breast, eat a breast, eat a breast, eat a..." The music stopped suddenly when a shadow fell over the table.

"Oh...master...heh...." Lumiere bowed again and squeaked when his master picked him up.

"Leave." The tall, dark shadow growled.

"Right away, master! Come, china, flatware, !" "Ahem, hello, miss. I assume you got my note?"

"Uh, yeah."

"EAT A BREAST!" a very tipsy Mrs. Potts came dancing in, stopping only when she realized the show number was over. She giggled insanely and, after telling Belle how pretty she was and what a good stripper name Belle was, she left.

The conversation really got going after that. Belle had just been telling the master of the castle how much she hated her father.

"I mean, he's just so weird. I hate my father."

"Well, Belle, just push him to the side and eat the rest of your food."

".....Oh my gods."

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"Well, master, I don't think it was the best move, telling her the main course was her father," Lumiere sighed.

Cogsworth came in humming, and upon seeing Lumiere said, "Lumiere, you need a light?"

Lumiere smiled, "Baby, you already light my fire."

The master shrugged and banged on the door of the gigantic bedroom, "Belle!? Are you coming down??"

"NO! GO AWAY!"

"I have cheeese cakeeee!"

"Only a piece..."

"With chocolate frostttingggg..."

"Well...maybe two..."

"And sprinklesssss..."

At that the door flew open and a flying teenager came rushing out of the room only to throw her arms around the massive Beast. "I'll love you forever and ever! And I'll take this stupid curse off of you-"

"What curse?"

She paused for a moment, "the curse that turned you into a beast."

Lumiere laughed nervously, "Perhaps Mademoiselle would like a better explanation?"

She was led to the kitchen cupboard where a lounging Chip sat, grinning happily. He spoke in an almost 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' way."Dudette. Totally sit by my side and tell me of thou plights." She proceeded to 'tell him of her plights'. When she finished, Chip nodded wisely. "The fourth root of evil is pi." Belle nodded as if she knew what he was talking about.

She turned to Beast and said, "Ok, I'll stay with you if you can somehow turn yourself into a human." He giggled madly and rushed off.

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He came back approximately 5 hours later as a handsome man.

Belle's jaw dropped and her eyes bugged out of her head comically.

"Hello, Belle. Now will you stay with me?"

"D...h...d....drool" She had no words for what she was thinking...well, alright, she did, but they were inappropriate.

So the beast was a man-how, no one knows exactly. Some say it was magic, some say it was something he ate, still others say it was just Belle going insane. The point was...well there was no point. It was just a rambling story that was semi-humorous with really no plot. And now it's over. And the Beauty and the Beast lived happily ever after....ok, it was only happily ever 6 years. Then Belle became annoying and the Beast devoured her.

The End

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BWAHAHAHAAA!! READ AND REVIEW! OBEY THE PRETTY PURPLE BUTTON!!!


	2. Replies to my wonderful reviewers

Ok, this is just for my reviewers. Just my replies to your reviews, I think they deserved them (thank you all!) 

**TAKEMEHOME**: Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for your review!

**OBSIDIANANGEL6**: I'm glad you liked the story and thanks for cheering me up! Thanks for your review!

**DANCINGCHICKY**: Yeah, I just couldn't get that stupid rhythm to match up. I know that Belle's name is Maurice, but I just wanted to name him Stu because ... well, it amused me. Thanks for your review!

**NEUTRO PHANTOM**: It's good to be brutally honest sometimes. I'm sorry you didn't like it, but the assignment was supposed to be to create a fractured fairy tale, so I did the best I could. My friends found it funny so I just decided to see what others thought. Thanks for your opinion, it's appreciated!

**BELLAMEGS**: I'm sorry you didn't like it either, I'm starting to feel bad for writing this. It wasn't supposed to be a rendention of the actually Beauty and the Beast tale, it was just my own little thing. Stu is my own name for Maurice, Belle's father. And, no, I wasn't high. My personality just came out a little stong in this. Thank you for your input, and, again, I'm sorry you didn't like it.

**FATLAZIKAT**: Um...no, no cheese. You have some very weird things that turn you on, but, hey, more power to you. The stars will drive me crazy if they don't put them back soon! I say we start a petition for the stars!!! Thanks for your review!

**DANCE THE GHOST**: I got a 100 because my teacher just goes, 'weird, but you actually did the assignment, unlike half the class'. Thanks for your review!

**A.D.**: It wasn't supposed to have the sweet atmosphere of Beauty and the Beast, it was just supposed to be funny. I'm glad you liked the writing, but I'm very sorry that you didn't like the story. Thanks for reviewing even though you didn't like it. I usually just go '...ok.... ::back click::'

**KEITAWOLF**: That stupid rhythm keeps popping up! It's quite hard to come up with anything that semi works...I'm just happy that I got the 'Eat a breast' to fit! I like that part, too! My friend was practically rolling when he read it! Thanks for your gracious review!

**FILLY828**: I'm glad you loved it! It is a bit odd. What is it with the 'Woot for insanity!'s? TAKEMEHOME said the same thing... Thanks for your review!

**SPECIAL**: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for your review!

Ok. Done. Thanks everyone for your reviews and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. Please forgive me! ::Cowers in fear of impending doom::


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